I listened to a podcast today that talked about some odd survey in the US that had found 4% of those surveyed would like to have a time machine (only 2% wanted world peace) and that this group was overwhelmingly under the age of 60.
So the hosts went to an old folks home and asked what the residents would do with a time machine – because it turned out they’d take one if it was offered.
The best answer was a guy who wanted to go back and meet a dinosaur. He said there was no point going back to fix anything because whatever you fixed, other bad things would still happen.
And I thought: if I could go back and change one thing, what would it be.
And of course I’m talking something in my teeny tiny life, not something useful like assassinating Hitler when he was a teen.
And as much as there are plenty of incidents in my life that I’d prefer hadn’t happened: creep in the elevator, marrying an abuser, meeting Halfman and letting him share my breath … I wouldn’t change them ( well, maybe the Halfman thing: I really could do without that one). The first two anyway, made me a better person in many ways. That’s not to say I don’t despise both things but I like most of who I am today and as much as it irks me to agree with Neil Gaiman, sometimes hardship does send you towards good stuff.
Nope, I would change this one thing:
The moment A 20 year old me turned my bike around and acquiesced to forgive the Love of My Life for treating me terribly just because he was in a bad mood.
You know that feeling, I’m sure. The one where are sharing time with someone but you can totally tell they’d rather be on their own. I get that feeling completely. What hurts is that the person you care about would rather treat you like shit than let you know they need a bit of space. That creates a bottomless empty feeling in me and I despise it.
That time when I took off in my bike — all but silently slipping away while He pretended to have to do things in other rooms just so he wouldn’t be near me — I was absolutely doing the right thing for me. I was saying: This feels shit. Don’t treat me like this. I deserve better.
Going back was a mistake. He learned he could get away with it. And I felt like acquiescence was the Right way to be.
I don’t know – in fact I don’t even think – continuing in my bicycling way would have changed the future. I think we still would have made up and ended up at the other end of the world only to have the relationship die. I still would think of him as my One True Love.
But I would have done the right thing by me. And I can’t help thinking that would have helped with all that has come since.
Tag Archives: loneliness
Days 0204 & 0205
I don’t think it’s love that is blind.
I think it is loneliness that makes us blind in love: makes being cared about and paid attention to an end, a beauty, in and of itself.
So we make stupid mistakes, because even when we’re not with that person who is the focus, we can at least fill the lonely times with thoughts and dreams and anticipation of that person.
And then we begin to mistake those dream times for reality.
Even when being with the beloved one actually makes us feel lonely.
It is the dream that we prefer.
That has long been my mistake anyway. If I could live in dreamed relationships, I would be a happier person. Real people just end up giving me the shits.
Day 0173
My First True Love was (and I’m quite sure still is) a beautiful soul. Full of childlike playfulness, whimsy, tenderness and a skewed view of the world. He beguiled me with the thing that eventually led to the end of our relationship: his sensitivity and the depths of his feelings, which he had difficulty expressing. When our relationship was new I could see all that sensitivity, and those beautiful feelings. As time went on, he began to close them off from me.
About three weeks after I met my most recent Error of Judgment, I was already telling people he reminded me of that First Love. So many similarities if I had cared to make a checklist.
It was fun to be around ‘him’ again.
Maybe that was at the root of that mistake: a hankering for my True Love. The one I loved so much but with whom I couldn’t cope living. The one who loved me so much he had to pretend he didn’t care. The one who made me feel the loneliest I had ever been in spite of his constant company.
I’ve said it before but there really is nothing sadder than feeling utterly alone while sleeping next to the person with whom you are in the deepest of loves.
Day 0098
A former friend once made an interesting distinction between being ‘alone’ and being ‘lonely’. I realise they’re two different thing but I hadn’t really thought about it before then. He said he loved being alone but he didn’t like being lonely. And that, while he never got bored while alone, he did get lonely.
I’ve just spent more than 30 hours completely on my own with minimal human interaction beyond ordering a coffee. In many ways it was delightful and calming. And I have to admit I never really wished for someone to be beside me: the feeling of being wholly self-centered is an infrequent one since I became a parent.
But I did desperately crave the sound of voices – and not ones talking about football. The radio was my friend today. And the horizon. And my camera. And it was good.
Day 72
Every couple bickers, I suppose. Especially when they’ve got kids and relatives around. But is there anything uglier than watching them be mean to each other. I listened tonight – I had no choice – to a conversation that could have been an innocent enough discussion but t quickly became clear one person had an agenda of using this conversation to make the other person feel like a dick. It was ugly and mean – all the more so for being done in front of people. It made the other person feel small, I am sure. I wish I was a superhero: Don’t-Treat-the-Peeps-Mean Woman. I would change into a sophisticated superhero outfit – uniquely tailored but practical, of course – and swoop in to Stop The Nastiness with my titanium bookmark lasso. I would be the geekiest superhero alive, but I would save millions from feeling more alone as part of a couple than if they were on their own. Surely that is the loneliest lonely feeling in the world.
1000 days 