I listened to a podcast today that talked about some odd survey in the US that had found 4% of those surveyed would like to have a time machine (only 2% wanted world peace) and that this group was overwhelmingly under the age of 60.
So the hosts went to an old folks home and asked what the residents would do with a time machine – because it turned out they’d take one if it was offered.
The best answer was a guy who wanted to go back and meet a dinosaur. He said there was no point going back to fix anything because whatever you fixed, other bad things would still happen.
And I thought: if I could go back and change one thing, what would it be.
And of course I’m talking something in my teeny tiny life, not something useful like assassinating Hitler when he was a teen.
And as much as there are plenty of incidents in my life that I’d prefer hadn’t happened: creep in the elevator, marrying an abuser, meeting Halfman and letting him share my breath … I wouldn’t change them ( well, maybe the Halfman thing: I really could do without that one). The first two anyway, made me a better person in many ways. That’s not to say I don’t despise both things but I like most of who I am today and as much as it irks me to agree with Neil Gaiman, sometimes hardship does send you towards good stuff.
Nope, I would change this one thing:
The moment A 20 year old me turned my bike around and acquiesced to forgive the Love of My Life for treating me terribly just because he was in a bad mood.
You know that feeling, I’m sure. The one where are sharing time with someone but you can totally tell they’d rather be on their own. I get that feeling completely. What hurts is that the person you care about would rather treat you like shit than let you know they need a bit of space. That creates a bottomless empty feeling in me and I despise it.
That time when I took off in my bike — all but silently slipping away while He pretended to have to do things in other rooms just so he wouldn’t be near me — I was absolutely doing the right thing for me. I was saying: This feels shit. Don’t treat me like this. I deserve better.
Going back was a mistake. He learned he could get away with it. And I felt like acquiescence was the Right way to be.
I don’t know – in fact I don’t even think – continuing in my bicycling way would have changed the future. I think we still would have made up and ended up at the other end of the world only to have the relationship die. I still would think of him as my One True Love.
But I would have done the right thing by me. And I can’t help thinking that would have helped with all that has come since.
1000 days 