Days 0538 & 0539

I listened to a podcast today that talked about some odd survey in the US that had found 4% of those surveyed would like to have a time machine (only 2% wanted world peace) and that this group was overwhelmingly under the age of 60.
So the hosts went to an old folks home and asked what the residents would do with a time machine – because it turned out they’d take one if it was offered.
The best answer was a guy who wanted to go back and meet a dinosaur. He said there was no point going back to fix anything because whatever you fixed, other bad things would still happen.
And I thought: if I could go back and change one thing, what would it be.
And of course I’m talking something in my teeny tiny life, not something useful like assassinating Hitler when he was a teen.
And as much as there are plenty of incidents in my life that I’d prefer hadn’t happened: creep in the elevator, marrying an abuser, meeting Halfman and letting him share my breath … I wouldn’t change them ( well, maybe the Halfman thing: I really could do without that one). The first two anyway, made me a better person in many ways. That’s not to say I don’t despise both things but I like most of who I am today and as much as it irks me to agree with Neil Gaiman, sometimes hardship does send you towards good stuff.
Nope, I would change this one thing:
The moment A 20 year old me turned my bike around and acquiesced to forgive the Love of My Life for treating me terribly just because he was in a bad mood.
You know that feeling, I’m sure. The one where are sharing time with someone but you can totally tell they’d rather be on their own. I get that feeling completely. What hurts is that the person you care about would rather treat you like shit than let you know they need a bit of space. That creates a bottomless empty feeling in me and I despise it.
That time when I took off in my bike — all but silently slipping away while He pretended to have to do things in other rooms just so he wouldn’t be near me — I was absolutely doing the right thing for me. I was saying: This feels shit. Don’t treat me like this. I deserve better.
Going back was a mistake. He learned he could get away with it. And I felt like acquiescence was the Right way to be.
I don’t know – in fact I don’t even think – continuing in my bicycling way would have changed the future. I think we still would have made up and ended up at the other end of the world only to have the relationship die. I still would think of him as my One True Love.
But I would have done the right thing by me. And I can’t help thinking that would have helped with all that has come since.

Day 0173

My First True Love was (and I’m quite sure still is) a beautiful soul. Full of childlike playfulness, whimsy, tenderness and a skewed view of the world. He beguiled me with the thing that eventually led to the end of our relationship: his sensitivity and the depths of his feelings, which he had difficulty expressing. When our relationship was new I could see all that sensitivity, and those beautiful feelings. As time went on, he began to close them off from me.

About three weeks after I met my most recent Error of Judgment, I was already telling people he reminded me of that First Love. So many similarities if I had cared to make a checklist.

It was fun to be around ‘him’ again.

Maybe that was at the root of that mistake: a hankering for my True Love. The one I loved so much but with whom I couldn’t cope living. The one who loved me so much he had to pretend he didn’t care. The one who made me feel the loneliest I had ever been in spite of his constant company.

I’ve said it before but there really is nothing sadder than feeling utterly alone while sleeping next to the person with whom you are in the deepest of loves.

Day 0148

So still considering fairytales. And I think the only one I can still believe in is The Princess Bride. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, all the heroes and the heroine are utterly human and there are some great puns.

If I could be one character in that story, it would be Westley. Not because he is pretty — though he is. Not because he is a great swordsperson — thought that would be handy at times. And certainly not because of his wet sandbag of a name.

No, I would choose him because he is so single mindedly dedicated to the principle of True Love, that he knows it exists. He does not waver. He spends every moment he has been separated from his love, teaching himself anything and everything that will possibly help him get back to her.

And he sees it all as no big deal. The Big Deal is reuniting with his True Love. What’s a bit of rock climbing, poison defying, not quite being deadness next to that?

I feel myself wanting to scoff, but only because I am envious.

Any character who can utter the words:

If your love is a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches

without smirking sarcastically is one I wish I could be.

Old age and bitter experience can do horrible things. I hope my imagination – and maybe even reality — might act as an antidote.

I still want to believe. Is that pathetic?