There are so many things you forget when you haven’t seen or felt them for a while.
My son is not one of them.
He and I used to spend just next to every moment together. When I rid my life of Mr Nasty, I suddenly lost my son for one day and night a week. It was wrenching, but probably good for both of us. It’s easy to get too used to each other. And we are always happy to see each other after that time apart. That is a good feeling.
Holidays are harder – then I lose him for a week. And not only do I miss his Kid Lawyer musings, but I worry about him; in fact I panic that he will spend his time like I once did: being yelled at and convincing himself he must be horrible and selfish to deserve to be yelled at so much.
But that wasn’t really what I was thinking of.
I was actually contemplating how I hadn’t realised I’d lost my ability to smile spontaneously until I regained it suddenly over the past few weeks.
I didn’t even realize I was smiling until someone pointed it out to me.
And to my surprise, the corners of my lips were turned up, my forehead crease was ironed out and I felt light and nearly, well, happy.
It was a marvellous thing to discover about myself late on a sunny/rainy/windy Wednesday afternoon in early spring.
Tag Archives: happy
Days 0499, 0500 & 0501
A friend who will chase the sunset with you along a severely potholed road just to get the best light on the western side of a decommissioned lighthouse looking out over theSouthern Ocean is a friend indeed.
Sometimes the adventures that make no more sense than the beauty of warm light on dolerite cliffs is enough to make me smile.
And that is not something I’ve said often in the Post-Halfman-Apocalypse.
Even as my wee car jolted from the pain of a thousand enormous potholes, I could feel the peaceful thrum of the Old Me cracking through.
The hardened crap that covered me for so very long is falling off my skin.
And it feels so good to be leaving the Arsehats in my peacefully happy wake.
Day 0294
I was just listening to a podcast about body language. It was a joke/satire where an expert and a schlepper have their opinions about couples gathered in a park. The expert reads all body language as The End of the relationship. The schlepper reads it all as ‘sweet’ or ‘new’.
Now they were trying to reveal a truth about ‘experts’ but what I got out of it was this:
Perhaps every relationship is simultaneously at the point of being good and bad at the same time.
Perhaps Each and every moment has both meanings in it and the truth of each moment is determined only by the next moment, the truth of which is then determined by the next moment.
Hardly a new idea, I suppose, but interesting to think you have a choice at every point.
Where I have always felt like my future had been determined by the amount of shared history and the heaviness of that history kept any escape hatch or surprise wonderfulness in its pre -determined place, perhaps each and every moment presents both those things? And what came before doesn’t tie you to anything more?
In other words, perhaps when a relationship is good, it is good. And when it is bad, it is bad. And there is no need to flog oneself to change it, only to decide if one wants to continue with it into the future?
Day 0033
Celebrating first 26th of June in 14 years where I am no longer betrothed. Happy! Happy! Joy! Joy!
Never has it felt so right not to be joined. Such a relief. Haven’t quite adapted to having no responsibility to anyone other than me and my kid, but it’s coming.
After 15 years of living by someone’s arbitrary ‘Rules’ I no longer feel the joy of freedom when I don’t follow them. This is a particularly nice part of the evolution away from him.
Almost no mundane action in my day is tied back to how he made me feel. i no longer feel relieved when I get home and know he isn’t there and will never be there. No longer wince when I realise I haven’t cleaned the water off the counter, used two trivets under the cookie tray or mistakenly left the cling wrap serrated edge down.
That is freedom of a wonderful variety.
Day 0020
Oh my. Turns out some days in life are just gently fun. Men? Women? Who cares. We all treated each other well today. And I got to look at some great art. Brain happy.
Note: champagne helps. A lot.
1000 days 