Days 0859, 0860, 0861, 0862 & 0863

Oh dear. Just 107 days from the 1000 I gave myself back in 2013 and I’d still prefer to change the plans of three other people just to avoid sharing a crowded pub forecourt with Halfman and his wife.

863 days later and I’m still finding out sleazy stories about him that make me wonder how my sleazeometer didn’t kick in at all.

I know hormones and loneliness and escaping a brutal 15-years … yada yada. But still, how could I not see it?

Those lines he fed me … Even when I objectively knew I was being treated to his best ‘sleep with me’ repertoire … I still let it work on me. Some of it was me thinking ‘this is an adventure even if ill-advised but some of me wanted to be charmed and let it happen.

When I think back to the two bits of conversation that led to our first kiss. Well, it’s embarrassing to give them oxygen.

But it feels good to dig them out and mock them as well. And maybe they will float away once they’re out there.

The first is such a huge sociopath warning sign: he told me his wife had rung him at work the previous week and ‘she was so painful’ – that was his code for her wanting something from him (like support and feelings). Anyway, she was upset and not liking herself and asked him: ‘why do you love me?’

Which is just so sad to me – it breaks my heart that she had to call him to ask.

And his response recounted to me was: ‘And I thought, I don’t know why but I need to get through this conversation. So I googled ‘why do I love her?’ And got this list of 101 reasons. Things like ‘because you support me’ and ‘you make me feel like I matter’.

And that is when he turned to me and said: And I thought these are all the things You do for me, not her. This is the way you make me feel.

Pretty good line, really. If I was 12.

I had a twinge: What a horrid thing to do to your wife – to mock her cry for help like that.

And then I thought: I’ve only ever just been respectful and kind to Halfman. Funny that he interprets that as something else.

And then the twinge passed. And not long after he was bemoaning his marriage and scooping me into his arms for a kiss under the freezing moonlight.

It is humiliating to think of how sophomoric it sounds now. How revealing of his lack of respect or feeling for others. And yet I let myself fall for it at some level.

Ugh.

Days 0640 & 0641

Does a man’s approach to a first kiss reveal his personality flaws and fabulosity?

I don’t mean where and when the kiss happens, but the actual mechanics and technique.

If it’s matter of fact and insistent, does that mean the man doesn’t have any desire to unpeel the onion layers of my personality? That he’ll believe that what he see is all of what I am.

The one that doesn’t get the hint of tightly gritted teeth as a fortification against their probing cow-tongue and tells you to ‘just relax’ as if that’s what’s keeping your incisors on high alert. Is that the man who never takes a ‘hint’ — not that I’m a fan of hints generally but telling someone to get their tongue the hell out of your mouth seems like it would put paid to any continuing mouth-to-mouth activity. (And maybe that’s the lesson here: it should be said and it should end then and there).

The ones who start gently and slowly get to know your lips and your kisses; they are the ones who watch and think and care? Or do they just need you to take the lead?

Kissing is weird in the scheme of things. It doesn’t make a lot of rational sense; you can’t be vigilant and on alert for predators while you’re doing it. It doesn’t improve fertilisation (as far as I know).

But it can be really amazing – with the right person. Gross kissers are gross; like expecting a prince and getting a certified accountant. The sooner you get out of there, the better

Beautiful kissers are poets, tangling you up in their mouths, listening, changing rhythm, letting their words fall onto your lips like snowflakes.

Day 0537

Kissing.

I’m a big fan: from the weird pressing kiss of a baby to the delicate, playful lip dance of a skilful adult male. It’s all interesting stuff and a beautiful way to get to know someone.

But it’s weird too, isn’t it?

When my baby was a couple of months old, I remember watching him try to figure out what kissing was. And it occurred to me what an odd thing it is to press two mouths together for no purpose other than feeling good or close.

It was wonderful watching that toothless mouth not knowing how to pucker, trying to press itself against my cheek and being so pleased when it happened.

And then there are the grown up boys who kiss like they are trying to suck every drop of juice out of a nectarine before it has the chance to dribble down their chin. I reckon these ones are the best kissers — the early weaned — they savour and caress and enjoy the deliciousness of it all.

Where those men who think sticking their tongue down your throat or splitting your jaw in two by pressing too too hard against your lips get the idea that’s fun or romantic, I’m not sure.

Perhaps no one has told them different. Or maybe they think they can clamber back inside somehow.

Whatever the reason, the jawbreakers are off my list. No compromise on this one.