How do you celebrate yourself? I don’t know how. I always feel like I’m not just being happy, but that I’m forcing myself onto someone and being selfish if I ask them to celebrate with me. And by ‘celebrate’ I mean share my good news with them.
Three nights ago, I got some great news – and some high praise – from someone I respect and which will lead to something great. It was an achievement, I guess. And a personal one.
So I went and spent the evening drinking a bit of sparkling wine with my farting dog. At least I didn’t have to share any of the bubbles. But I would have preferred to. As tired out as I was by the process that led to the good news, I could have used some reflected happiness around me.
If only so I didn’t hit the: ‘but will I actually be able to do this thing they think I can do?’ stage quite so quickly.
And then I started thinking.
I always did really well in school — not because I was excessively smart but because I worked hard and found it interesting. I’d come home with report cards that noted zero absences and where my lowest mark was an 89. My parents would lovingly praise me. And then ask me not to talk about it ‘too much’ because it would make my sister (whose absences were higher than her percentages) feel bad.
And of course I did that. Because I didn’t want to make her feel bad. And I didn’t want to be selfish.
One of the moments I remember most from the blossoming of my time with He Who Shall Not Be Named was how he would tell people when I achieved something and congratulate me.
That ended eventually, of course. Every achievement (and there were less and less of them) became something I did to him. Something selfish and thoughtless.
But in the beginning it wasn’t like that. And it was new and different for me.
To be celebrated.
So. Do I just take the plunge and make it happen in future? Do I invite friends out for a drink when there is good news?
Or do I sit at home looking at my beautiful view of the river, letting the dog’s farts mix with the scent of the sparkling?
1000 days 