Days 0642, 0643 & 0644

Am I completely deluded to think that my trait of seeing the best in people is a good thing?
Because I am beginning to see that the line between ‘wishful thinking’ and ‘seeing the best’ is very very very thin.
And it can’t just be hormones and loneliness that shroud beings like the Halfman with a beauty that isn’t actually there – a beauty I project onto him.
If I did ‘see the best’ surely there would have been little enough of it not to interest me. But if what I do is ‘wishful thinking’ then what I saw was what I wanted to see, what I needed to see.
And that possibility is scary in a world of men with wonky moral compasses (compassi??).

Day 0188

It is an odd odd thing to balance being single and ‘dating’ for the first time ever in my life while being the mum of a young boy.

My only experience of ‘dating’ was when I was in my late teens. And to call it dating is a bit of an exaggeration — more a short series of intense relationships. So I really don’t know how to even do the dating thing — then to mix it, and the amazing chemicals of falling in love, along with being a parent is … well, I’m at a loss a lot of the time.

I have to constantly return to first principles: Child comes before anyone else. Be honest. Be kind. Guide your child. Your child wants more than anything to see you being happy and treated well …

I want to protect my child from creeps and liars, but I also want to find and fall for someone who dazzles me.

I thought I was doing it quite well with Halfman – until I realised he was not only half a man but not understanding (or possibly even caring) that he was involving a child in his complex ruse. 

How does one explain to a child the intricate, nastiness of ‘adult’ relationships. How do you explain that the sudden loss of someone in your lives is not the child’s fault? 

It wasn’t hard to explain how love returned to friendship at first – but explaining the total loss of him from both our lives was far more difficult. I had hoped he’d just stop asking, but he’s a human being so he didn’t.

It’s all the harder because kids don’t deserve to be lied to, but they also don’t need the details. There will be plenty of time for him to discover on his own how people break each other’s hearts. 

Not for the first time in my parenting career, I am wondering where the instruction book is.