Days 0817, 0818, 0819, 0820, 0821 & 0822

So I’ve got this ‘rising above’ thing all wrong.

It’s not about staying quiet and elegant: it’s about remaining above the ugly fray.

So while I’ve always enacted it like this:

Person: So I hear you ended your marriage because he worked too hard.

Me: (sound of teeth grinding)

Person: oh, good to see you’ve risen above it all.

It really should be like this:

Person makes same statement.

Me: No, it wasn’t that he worked too hard. I have my reasons and they are both legitimate and private.

Person: wow, you really can’t let go, can you.

Me ( to myself): I am rising above it all.

Do you see the difference?

Because I do. And it’s a MEGA difference.

There are times when I didn’t rise above with the whole Halfman thing – though I do think giving that thing a code name was possibly a bigger favour than he deserves – but for the most part, I did.

But that didn’t mean I was silent because that’s a whole different thing: that’s not speaking up to say something is wrong.

And that, if you ask me, is not rising above, but sinking beneath.

I can say what I like and still rise above as long as I have my eye on the Big Picture and don’t call people names.

‘Acceptance’ my ass. I refuse to accept when things are just plain wrong. And I’m not going to be quiet about it. Even when it’s personal.

Days 0800, 0801 & 0802

Big realizations never seem to come to me at edifying moments.

The Secrets of The Universe seem to like popping up when I bend down to pick up a dropped sock or lightly move the shower curtain aside.

Today’s realization came while rewatching Buffy Season 4.

So perhaps this moment was edifying in Nerd Grrl Land.

And it was this:

I wanted Halfman to be a Riley. But he’s a Parker. A mistake. A loser. An ass. And not worth the gnashing of teeth.

I already knew that of course, but it’s nice to have it become an entirely solid thought that I can stop chewing on and file away under ‘Dickheads’.

I think too it helped immeasurably to have the real life judge apparently acknowledge that all that angst surrounding The King of Dickheads was real.

That was when the last AWOL piece of me fell back into place and knitted itself to my soul.

It doesn’t matter so much that Halfman treated me like I didn’t matter and created a world where I was No One. 

Because I finally am in a place where I KNOW I am Someone.

And he can just go get f@cked.

Days 0645 & 0646

Fark! In spite of life looking up, I am still not superhuman. My Ex can still create a sense of foreboding over his potential behavior that makes my heart race, my teeth grind and my hands shake.

If only The Best Advice Ever had come many years ago instead of recently:

Date dickheads if you have to, just do not breed with them.

Day 0436

Today I think nothing would be more eloquent than this gif to explain my mood. You may knock me down, you may make me feel small, but I’m still going and I’m still me so …